I’ve been dealing with this topic over the last two years in which I have had numerous family discussions amidst the loss of my two parents. I’ve also had conversations with many clients on having that talk with their families, particularly ageing parents. Part of the problem is in the way we frame it. But this has to happen, and preferably, at an early stage not a procrastinated one.
True, it’s not easy to have that financial talk with ageing parents. But as Canada’s demographic pyramid now looking inverted, with a bias towards seniors, those conversations are more vital than ever. It’s something that really became top of mind during the pandemic, I think, as many clients saw their parents, friends and other families face health crises.
As the pandemic crisis sparked emergencies for countless households, many people quickly turned into private investigators as they tried to locate critical documents like wills, powers of attorney, and financial statements. Having realized the importance of planning for the worst what-ifs, more people than ever are now determined to have financial conversations with their aging parents.
The pandemic gave a lot of people a flash of what could happen in the future. As they were in the throes of dealing with it, they recognized they weren’t ready or equipped to manage their parents’ care or finances.
Take a tactful tack
Like any talk about money and mortality, it can be a hard subject to broach. Among many of our clients, it’s common for parents to not want to divulge private financial details. Certain members of the older generation tend to avoid money conversations in general, and much more so with their children. Having just turned 60, I can now count myself amongst that group and I get it. I think it feels intrusive to parents. If people go to their parents saying let’s talk about me managing your finances or care, the parents might push back.
One problem arises when people try to introduce the topic from a cold start. As a rule, we recommend that people approach the topic with as much tact and delicacy as possible. One option is to start by talking about external situations.
You could say to your parents this happened to my friend’s mom the other day, and now she can’t find her mom’s bank information, and she’s worried they might lose the house because they can’t pay her bills. What would we do if we were in that situation? Acknowledge to them that it’s uncomfortable to talk about but emphasize that things can quickly take a turn for the worse, at which point they might not have the opportunity or wherewithal to give directions.
Respecting aging parents’ agency
After decades of acting as authorities and providers, parents might find it hard to think of their adult children as anything other than their subordinates, which means even questions meant to help can come off as a sign of disrespect. To avoid that trap, Porter says clients can invite their parents to express what they would want to happen in case of an emergency.
You’re asking them to think about a time when they’re not going to be in control, which isn’t always something that people want to talk about or accept. We encourage people to ask their parents if they have a will and powers of attorney. Discuss things as a family, because the worst thing is to discover there’s an issue when you’re already in the hospital.
For people who might struggle having these conversations, as financial life planners, we say it may be worth considering bringing in a certified financial planning (CFP) professional to talk with their parents. Money conversations are easier if you can enlist a neutral third party like a CFP to really talk about it on the whole. That way, the discussion about the implications of not having these things in order, and what next steps can be taken, doesn’t necessarily feel as direct or confrontational.
The bottomline
Even if clients exert their best efforts at having these conversations, that doesn’t mean their parents will do anything about it. The key is for clients to persevere and keep bringing the topic up. The parents might not be in the right place to hear it, or sometimes life just gets in the way of their following through. Even if they don’t get it the first time, I’d urge clients to keep trying. It’s a worthwhile conversation to have while Keeping Life Current.
